i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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