it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
