i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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