I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
