we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
