life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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