My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
