I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
