Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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