You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
