I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
