i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
