guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
