My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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