Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
