Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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