i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
