the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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