Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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