WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
