there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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