I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
