So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
