a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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