It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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