I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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