I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
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Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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