I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
