I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
