My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
