There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
