I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
