Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Such a big mess for such a small penis
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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