I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
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