I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
