Where did you get a picture of my penis
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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