even my farts smell like vagina
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
