I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
