I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
