hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
