hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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