my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Pooping to opera.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
