He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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