Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
