singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
