i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
