Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
