she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
