If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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