Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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