High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Someone stole a lamp last night.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
