Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All I want is dick and wine.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
